Fees for Normal People


    Stepping off the topics of writing and books, I am tired of companies nickel-and-diming me! I think that if businesses want to charge us fees for every tiny detail, then we should do the same.

    $5   Access Online fee

    You want people to access services online to reduce costs, and promise to pass the savings on to us ... but those savings go into the CEO's pockets instead? Why should we save you money and get nothing for it?

    $6   Automated Phone System fee

    You have an automated system that takes twenty minutes to navigate to the part that tells us why you can't help us and that we should try to contact you online? Never expect any business from us again!

    $15   Automated Phone Endless Loop fee

    Your limited menu options never provide the category we need and keeps sending us back to the same worthless place? In other words, you piss us off until we get tired of calling, and you call that a satisfied customer?

    $12   Read Your Overly-Complicated Warranty fee

    You send 6 pages of text I need a magnifying glass to read and couch it in obtuse and convoluted phrases so only lawyers can understand it, and then you expect me to sign at the bottom line? Forget it!

    $25   Change My Existing Contract fee

    We signed contract with a phone company, a cable provider, or a bank, and you get to alter the contract at will? And your changes require a law degree and corporate experience to comprehend? I have enough going on in my life to get homework from people that I pay to provide me with a service!

    $3   Repeated Commercial fee

    In a 1/2 hour show, I should not see the same commercial more than twice. Every time you repeat a commercial after that is another excuse for me to not buy your product!

    $9   Can't Talk To A Person fee

    You set up a system so I can't reach a human being to avoid dealing with situations you couldn't predict, or you send me to some idiot reading a script rather than the person who can help me, and then ask me to be patient? When I fire-bomb your main office, please take your time getting out of the building!

    $20   Forgot To Mention Extra Fees fee

    Oh, your price did not include an additional fee that you forgot to mention? You assumed that I understood something that you never said or implied? Bite me, butt-head! The whole deal is off!

    $4   Gift Cards That Do Not Equal The Price Of 1 Item At Your Store fee

    So, either I buy something at far less than the value of the gift card, and give the remainder to you, or I have to spend my own money to buy 1 item (including tax)? What kind of a gift is that?

    $8   Make Me Walk Into Your Store fee

    You sold me something that broke almost instantly, and you want me to pack it in my car, drive to your local dealer, leave it, and then come back and pick it up, because your merchandise sucks?!? Why am I being punished for your mistakes?

    $19   Obnoxious Salesperson fee

    If you want my money, I expect real service, that kind that I would give a guest in my house. Salespeople that I have to go looking for, that don't understand the product, that walk away to check on something and never come back, that can't speak English, that never learned good manners, or that smell bad should be giving merchandise away, not selling it!

    $2   Unwanted Phone Calls fee

    You call me, you pay me. My time is worth money, and if you want something, you cough up my price!

    $7   Change of Payment Date fee

    I get paid on a schedule and I pay my bills accordingly. My life is too busy to afford extra time to rearrange my monthly financial planning because you want to charge extra late fees to those who don't get your message on time! Pay up, sucker!

    $11   Support Person Who Barely Speaks English fee

    Click what button? What are my options? If I can't understand your low-paid service people, then you are adding to my problems, not resolving them. All call centers should be local!!!

    $22   Mail It Back To Us fee

    My TV or canoe paddle is broken ... and you want me to ship it to you, at my expense? Even if I knew how to do that, or had time to do it, why should I pay for it?

    $3   Long Line fee

    Stand in line for more than 10 minutes to give you my hard-earned cash? I don't think so! Don't expect me to ever shop here again!

    $5   Customer Service Desk fee

    Yes, I want a place to go when I want to return an item, but for general assistance when and where I need it, I want trained and knowledgeable sales people looking to help me, not where I have to go looking for them!

    $13   Help System Is Useless fee

    I need to find the button to activate some system, and I am on the web page where your instructions say I should be, and that button does not exist? You own me money for wasting my time!

I am sure that I missed many similar fees, but like any business, I will add them at my convenience and at your expense!

Thank you (but don't try to charge me for making you read this!),
--Jay Palmer

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